Always, Forever and Ever
by animeaddict2323232
Summary: Helga has always loved Arnold, but always hid it by bullying him. Will she ever find the courage to tell him how she feels? Or will someone beat her to it? Angst...lots of angst and unrequited love. From Helga's POV. Rated M for intense angst and misery


**Hey I was really young when I wrote this and I wanted to fix it up.**

**So here's the revised version!**

**I wrote all poems even though tech I wrote them for Helga to write them if that makes ANY sense. MINUS the poem in her letter because Hey Arnold people have the right to that amazing poem :)**

**Poems are bolded and italicized!**

**X**

**Always, Forever and Ever**

**X**

_Fourth Grade_

Everyday I wondered when I stop tormenting myself and finally tell Arnold how I felt about him. I needed to tell him that I only bullied him to get his attention, even if it was the negative kind. I never knew how to be nice and flirty like Lila because I had grown up with Bob, Miriam, and my perfect like sister, Olga. Gag me. No one ever cared for me except for Phoebe and Arnold. Arnold, the boy who offered me his umbrella when it was pouring outside. The boy who offered me half of his lunch when my parents forgot to pack me one.

I loved him with all my heart. And I would do anything for him.

I helped him find Mr. Winn's daughter and saved the neighbor hood even if I didn't give a rat's nest about it. I did it for Arnold. As much as it didn't show, he made me want to be a better person, made me feel like I could be someone...

But I wouldn't dare let anyone know that. My reputation of being tough and reckless would be destroyed if I actually started being nice to him. I couldn't risk that. Without being a bully, who was I? Who was the real Helga?

I wanted to be someone who was funny, sweet, and lovable. Someone that everyone wanted to be like, look up to. Someone like Arnold. Which is why I needed him in my life...but I couldn't tell him how I felt. He would just laugh and make fun of me and then what? I would be left with no one. No one, but Phoebe. But even Phoebe didn't understand me as much as Arnold did. He saw right through my outer shell...and could see that I was truly a good person.

That's it. I had to do it. I had to tell Arnold how I felt. Screw my reputation.

Determined, I walked down the hall with Phoebe, searching every where for a familiar football shaped head. Just as I expected, I saw Arnold all alone, getting his books out of his locker. This was the perfect chance to tell him I loved him. I started to trudge towards him, but I suddenly stopped, mentally scolded myself. What was I thinking? I couldn't just waltz up to Arnold and vent about my feelings for him! He was Arnold, the football head that I always messed with, my punching bag. If I didn't bully Arnold, then everyone would think I was going soft and that I cared for him.

At the very last minute, I decided to stick to the regular routine. I bumped into him on purpose and knocked all of his books out of his hands. Shooting me a weary glare, Arnold bent down to pick up his books while I shared a laugh with Phoebe. As soon as I turned the corner of the hallway, I asked Phoebe to go to homeroom without me. Shrugging, Phoebe walked away without looking back at me. Pulling out my locket, I pressed myself against the lockers and questioned my actions.

"Why must I torture him so?" I asked dramatically, holding the locket tight against my chest.

Helga, ole girl. You have to man up. Stop being a wuss and tell him how you feel.

The guilt overwhelmed me and so did my love for Arnold. I pushed myself to walk back around the hallway. I was going to apologize for all of the misery I have caused him and then tell him the real reason why I've been treating him badly.

When I turned the corner, I stopped short in my tracks. All my breath left my body and my heart beat slowed. Arnold was talking to a beautiful girl with long black hair and sparkly blue eyes. I couldn't hear exactly what they were saying, but I heard her laugh at whatever Arnold was saying. Then, he offered to walk her to homeroom. I watched as Arnold and this girl walked past me without saying anything to me or acknowledging my presence. I felt hurt that he didn't even nod in my direction or say hello. My hurt faded and jealousy took over. I was so jealous that I think my skin turned green and was boiling with anger.

I heard heavy breathing coming from behind me, making me turn around. Before I even turned around, I knew exactly who it was. Brainy. The tall dork was standing before me, breathing heavily on me. I clenched my fists before punching him with my iron fist. I didn't stick around to see if Brainy had been hurt because I was too focused on that new girl. How dare she sweep Arnold's attention from her when I was about to tell Arnold how much I loved him!

Walking into homeroom a second before the bell rang, I noticed that Arnold was sitting next to the beautiful girl who was giggling at something the football head had just said. Grumpily, I threw my body lazily onto the chair before turning to Phoebe.

"Whose the new girl? C'mon Phebes, give me the 411," I demanded snottily, sticking my chin up.

Phoebe smiled and said, "Olivia Reynolds. She just moved here from Seattle, Washington."

I was going to say something nasty, but Phoebe cut me off. "She's really nice and funny."

I muttered something nasty under my breath as Mr. Simmons introduced the newest math topic. I tried to pay attention to his lecture, but found I wasn't able to focus. She was on my mind. In a way, Olivia reminded me of Lila. The pretty new girl that would become Miss Popular in five seconds. I already knew we weren't going to get along. My jealousy was slowly turning into rage.

When the lunch bell rang, I thew away all of the pencils I had ended up snapping into two pieces. before joining the other kids in the lunch room. Although Phoebe was waiting for me, all I could see was _her _walking timidly through the cafeteria, searching for a place to sit. I smirked when I thought of her not being able to find anywhere to sit. Olivia would have to eat in a bathroom stall because _no one_ was going to be nice to her. Not in this school.

Disappointed, I saw her sit down with Arnold and Gerald, who were waving at her to come sit down. Without thinking about it, I stomped over to their table and threw my tray on the table, making a large smacking sound. Obediently, Phoebe sat down right next to me, silently telling me she had my back. All of the heads in the cafeteria turned to look at me, but I didn't care at this point. She was mine to interrogate.

"Hello Phoebe!" Olivia said sweetly, making me instantly despise her. She was like Lila, only cuter if possible.

"Hi, Olivia. Liking school so far?" Phoebe asked politely.

"Well, I-

I interrupted her by saying, "My name is Helga." I shot her a fake smile, one that looked forceful and utterly horrifying, most likely.

"Oh, hello, Helga. I don't believe we've met. My name is Olivia!" she said smiling, extending a hand towards me. Ignoring her hand, I just grunted and stared her down. I smirked on the inside thinking this would make her uncomfortable, but for the rest of the lunch period, several people joined the table to find out more about the new girl. They soon grew to love her, at Helga's expense. People laughed at Olivia's jokes and were enchanted by her stories, including Harold for Pete's sake. I just sat there and watched Arnold make lovey dove eyes at Olivia. I knew right there and then; she had to go.

_8th grade_

Crimeny! It's been four years already! I've tried everything possible to shake this girl up, but she hasn't given up. I pulled pranks on her almost every single day, worms in her desk, trash in her locker, and even gossiping about her behind her back! Nothing shook this girl. She never cried, complained, nothing. Olivia is the most annoying person I have ever met!

After a few years, I decided to ignore her, but that proved to be impossible as well on the count of she was perfect at life. She was good at art, sports, literature, yata yata ya. Olivia even gave me a run for my money when it came to poetry! Boys had crushes on her and girls wanted to be her friend. I could feel Phoebe start to lose interest in me. I knew she yearned to be sitting at Olivia's lunch table talking about shopping and makeovers...things she would never talk about in front of me. She couldn't lose Phoebe, no matter what.

"Class I would like to share a poem with you. It was written by a student in the class."

_**Green.**_

_**It's the only color I can see.**_

Helga planted her face into the desk. She already knew that the poem belonged to her. Helga propped herself up and tried not to look like she was the one who wrote that poem.

_**I am standing in the middle of a crowded hallway, but all I can see is you.**_

_**And how happy you seem to make everyone else.**_

_**Including him.**_

_**Green.**_

_**It's the color that I have turned.**_

The class clapped politely while the teacher commended the writer for her/his brilliant piece. I wanted to stand up and cockily take a bow, but I knew I wouldn't. I was too much of a coward to admit that I, Helga, was jealous of Olivia freakin Reynolds.

The bell rang and we all hauled into the hallway, ready for lunch. I walked with the silent Phoebe over to the cafeteria when a brilliant idea hit me. I jumped giddily into line in front of Olivia and piled up my food tray. As I paid for my lunch, I turned around suddenly and threw my food contents all over her new blue dress everyone had been raving about. Saps.

"Oops. Sorry," I said insincerely. I started snickering as the entire room became quiet. I looked around nervously and saw that no one else was laughing. Olivia's eyes were watering before she ran out of the room in a hurry, tears leaking from her eyes.

"What? Can't anyone take a joke?" I snapped, picking up my food tray.

"It wasn't nice, Helga."

I looked up to see Arnold standing before me. His eyes were narrowed at him harshly and he was frowning.

"Who died and made you the boss of what's right and wrong, Arnoldo?" I spat, standing up.

"I'm really disappointed, Helga."

And with that, he exited the room, leaving me by myself. As much as I didn't want to admit it, his comment sliced through my heart. Arnold, the love of my life, was disappointed in me, just like my family was. I felt guilty about ruining Olivia's dress after Arnold put me in my place. He was right. That was an awful thing for me to do.

I walked out of the room and decided I would go and apologize to her. I called out for her in the hallway, but as I turned the corridor I heard a loud smashing sound.

It was my heart breaking into a million pieces.

Arnold had Olivia pressed up against the lockers and he was kissing her gently.

My mouth snapped shut, trying not to make any noises as I ran to the bathroom. Sobs escaped my lips as I banged against the mirror in angst. She had won. Olivia had taken Arnold away from me.

OoO

Phoebe had left me. She told me off and said that I was just a cruel kid, always ruining people's happiness and that she didn't want to be around me anymore. I lost all of my friends, which hurt, believe me. Now, I was the one skipping lunch or eating in the bathroom stall.

It was incredibly lonely. I was speechless that I had lost everything in just a few days. I never had a family to begin with. And then I lost all of my friends, including Phoebe. Not to mention, Arnold was still mad at me.

Oh and did I tell you? Olivia and Arnold are dating now.

_Eleventh Grade_

As much as I told myself I shouldn't go to the same high school as Arnold, I did anyway because I didn't think I could get through high school without seeing him. I was still in love with him, as obsessed as ever even though Olivia and him were still a couple, still in love. And there I was, still a loner. I didn't have any friends and Phoebe had moved away freshmen year. I haven't heard from her since. It wasn't like we were talking anyway during the 8th grade. I had become so used to not having friends that I didn't care anymore. I didn't need anyone. I was Helga G. Pataki. And as long as I had Arnold, I would be okay.

"I'd like to share a brilliant poem with you all. By an anonymous person," The teacher announced before staring at me a little too long. In my head, I groaned.

_**I'm standing right in front of you.**_

_**But you can't see me for you are entranced by a dark beauty.**_

_**I chase after you, constantly running in circles after you, trying to profess my love.**_

_**I stop in my tracks and realization hits me like a car slamming on its brakes.**_

_**You are chasing after another, trying to profess your love just like me.**_

_**So where does that leave me?**_

I felt a pair of blue eyes linger on me as the bell rang. I jumped up from my seat and tried to leave quickly, but someone had tapped me on the shoulder.

Irritated, I turned around and found Olivia smiling at me. "Hi, Helga."

She started rambling on about the poem and how beautiful she though it was while sending me knowing glances. I only grunted at her when she asked me questions.

Defeated, Olivia stared at the floor. "It was a beautiful poem, Helga." And with that, she walked to the door where Arnold was waiting for her. I found myself staring at him in amazement, but he only had eyes for his beautiful girlfriend.

My eyes narrowed as I shoved into them harshly, leaving the room.

As I walked down the hallway, I overheard her talking to Arnold. "Why even try Liv? Helga is a bully," Arnold tried to reason with her.

"She just needs a friend, Arnold," Olivia said wearily to him. The couple walked in the opposite direction, leaving Helga by herself in the hallway.

Even Arnold didn't believe in her.

_High School Senior Year_

_**The dark beauty has melted from my true love's vision,**_

_**melted like the Wicked Witch of the West.**_

_**Nothing is standing in between you and me, now.**_

_**No brick walls, no glass doors.**_

_**It's only you and me.**_

It was finally my chance; my chance to make it up to Arnold!

Yesterday, Arnold and Olivia had broken up because they had arguing viciously with each other lately. I had heard the news from Olivia herself, who was crying in the girls' bathroom.

It was perfect timing too because tonight was prom and I was going to ask Arnold to be my date. I had finally gained enough courage to approach him and tell him how I feel. He was going to know that I loved him and wanted to be him.

Smiling for the first time in a long time, I approached him, who was standing at his locker. Shyly, I waited for him to look up at me.

When he did, I said, "Hi."

He nodded in my direction with an eyebrow raised. "Helga?"

"I wanted to ask you if-

Before I could say anything else, a timid, quivering voice from behind me asked, "Helga, can I talk to Arnold please?"

I turned around to see Olivia standing before me. Her eyes were puffy and red and her face was slightly reddened. She shifted uncomfortably from one foot to another. I really wanted to tell her to take a hike, unleash all of my anger on her, but I was trying to be a better person. For Arnold.

"Sure."

I walked over to the window and sat on the bench next to it. I watched curiously as Arnold and Olivia talked. I looked away when I saw Olivia lean in to kiss Arnold. I clenched my fists and walked quickly towards the girls' bathroom.

I knew this would happen to me. I knew it, I knew it. I felt like there was a void in my heart, ripping away at my entire body. I couldn't stop the tears from cascading down my cheeks.

I was doomed to be unhappy and unloved. And without Arnold.

Prom was that night, but I didn't go. It wouldn't have been fun anyhow.

_College Senior Year_

At the end of high school, I told myself that the couple would break up and that Arnold would realize I'm the one for him and that we were meant to be together. My fantasy made me go to the same college as Arnold. NYU.

My fantasy remained a fantasy throughout the four years of college.

They were a strong couple, as determined as ever it seemed.

I found myself losing hope, knowing that this was the end of the road. Who was she kidding? Arnold would never her love her. It's time she stopped kidding herself. The only reason she had let it get this far was because she had hoped Arnold would be her salvation. The one to save her from her loneliness from her unloving childhood.

_**Hope,**_

_**Everyone says hope is what brings out the good in people, what keeps people strong.**_

_**What they haven't said is that hope is a lie.**_

_**A bloody lie.**_

_**The people who hope are dreamers, ones who believe their fantasies will come true.**_

_**But this is reality, and in reality, hope is a childish fantasy.**_

_After College_

You are cordially invited to attend Arnold Shortman and Olivia Reynold's wedding

Before the invitation went into detail, I had crumpled up the piece of paper and stomped on it in rage.

Hope. Peace. Love. It was all a cruel fantasy.

_Now_

_**I am standing on the edge of a building's rooftop, unable to see the ground.**_

_**I squint harder and lean over the edge entirely, trying to see if there is a better world for me down there.**_

_**My feet are slipping from the ledge, but I do not try to grab onto the railing.**_

_**I am falling into a pit of darkness.**_

_**No one can hear me. No one can see me.**_

_**I feel nothing**_

Snow fell viciously as the wind whipped heavily, making me huddle into my coat. I listened emptily to the sound of my feet crunching against the gravel road. My eyes looked up to see a beautiful stone home standing before me. I crept to the window and saw a happy family of four gathered around the toasty fire. A woman was embracing her husband lovingly while two kids were playing with toys that Santa had given them. A tear slid down her cheek when she saw how happy the children looked playing with their toys from Christmas. I didn't bother to wipe the wetness off of my cheek.

I left the note on their doorstep before walking down the driveway, out of sight. I walked in silence over to the shore by the ice cream parlor. Gazing up at the beautiful colors in the sky, I took one last look at the sunset. Tears leaked from my eyes as I took off my coat, instantly freezing myself. I shivered and my teeth clattered as I walked towards the end of pier. Shutting my eyes tightly, I reminded myself that all of the pain and the suffering would be over. It would all be over. My body instantly felt numb after listening to my thoughts. I took one last deep breath before plunging myself into the icy water.

_Always, forever and ever_

I held my breath for a long time until I felt that I was slowly losing consciousness. Then everything became cold as my eye sight faded into blackness.

OoO

Arnold was lying in bed with his sleeping wife Olivia. He wondered how long it would take for their marriage to be nulled. Olivia begged him relentless not to leave her, but he wasn't happy. He wasn't in love with her like he was before. Arnold wanted to be fair to her, to his kids. As much as he hated to leave his family, he had too. Of course, he would get a place near by, but he just didn't want to be married to Olivia anymore. Arnold tossed in turned in his bed, thinking about his past memories and how he was going to tell his children that he was leaving. Tonight was very quiet, almost too quiet as if something was missing.

Pulling himself out of bed, Arnold crept downstairs and threw on a jacket. He might as well walk off his insomnia. Maybe the icy snow could cool his overwhelming thoughts. Slipping on the doorstep, Arnold steadied himself against the railing. He looked down to see what had caused his almost trip and found a yellow envelope sitting on the step. Arnold picked up the envelope numbly and saw that it was addressed to him. He tore it open.

_Dear Arnold,_

**_All the days of the week,_**

**_I write the name I dare not speak._**

**_The boy with the cornflower hair,_**

**_My beloved and my despair_**

_Sounds familiar? It's that poem Mr. Simmons read to the class in the fourth grade. He loved it._

_I wrote it. It was about you, Arnold. I have an entire collection of books, all holding poems and confessions of how I feel about you._

_Remember when we saved the neighbor hood? And when we were on the roof...I told you that I loved you before kissing you. We both agreed it was "in the heat of the moment." I lied to you that day, Arnold._

_I have secretly been pining for you for years. Ever since I met you Arnold, I knew you were the one. The only one for me. You were the only one I ever loved my entire life._

_My family never loved me and my friends all abandoned me. I was cruel to you, Arnold. More than cruel if possible. I was a jerk, but only to conceal the feelings I had for you on the inside. I was scared that I wouldn't be me if I wasn't tough or worse...nice to you._

_But you knew that didn't you? At least, you thought that for a while. You were the only one who saw right through me. The only one who cared enough to try. And I thank you for that. But you lost faith in me and hope, like I presumed you would._

_No one can hear me. No one can see me. I feel nothing._

_And I guess I've known that along. I'm miserable and tired of feeling like I'm nothing, Arnold. I want to be someone and this is the only way I know how to change that. I'll be at the pier if you haven anything to say to me before I go._

_What I'm really trying to say is that I love you Arnold. I've been in love with you since I was little and I will probably always be in love with you, no matter what._

_Always, forever and ever._

_With Love,_

_Helga_

_P.S. It's not your fault._

The wide eyed Arnold put the letter back in the envelope, trying to absorb all of the information. Helga was in love with him? It didn't even make sense! She was always bullying him and laughing at him, but it was all an outer shell to protect herself. A shell that was put to ward off love because her parents never loved her. He had been right when he was in fourth grade! Helga wasn't cold, she was just misunderstood! Arnold needed to talk to her, sort things out.

Arnold felt his feet take him to the pier. Breathing heavily, Arnold stopped and placed his hands on his knees when he arrived at the shore. Standing at the edge of the pier was a blond haired girl, wearing no jacket...only a tank top. He could hear loud sniffles and sobs when he saw Helga jump into the icy, frozen water. Was she crazy? It was below twenty degrees outside and she was swimming?

And that's when it hit Arnold. She was trying to kill herself, trying to drown.

_The people who hope are dreamers, ones who believe their fantasies will come true._

_But this is reality, and in reality hope is a childish fantasy._

_My feet are slipping from the ledge, but I do not try to grab onto the railing._

_I am falling into a pit of darkness._

_No one can hear me. No one can see me._

_I feel nothing_

_And I guess I've know that along. I'm miserable and tired of feeling like I'm nothing, Arnold. I want to be someone and this is the only way I know how to change that. I'll be at the pier if you haven anything to say to me before I go._

_P.S. It's not your fault._

He screamed her name in agony as he ran towards the pier. Throwing off his jacket, he dove into the icy water without thinking about it. Arnold saw the familiar mop of blond hair sinking. He reached out and tried to grab her, but the icy waters made his entire body go numb. Arnold looked at her face and found that her eye lids were closed and that she was sinking to the bottom of the water. And he couldn't do anything about it.

She was gone.

Arnold pulled himself out of the water and threw on his jacket, trying to warm up his body. A tear slid down his cheek and a sob escaped his lips. If only he had been there sooner...if only he had realized that she was going to-

_P.S. It's not your fault._

He knew deep down inside it wasn't his fault. That Arnold hadn't made her jump, but he could have been there for her. He should have had faith in her, helped her become well. Or hoped...

_But this is reality, and in reality hope is a childish fantasy._

Arnold fell to his knees as tears continued to pour out. He promised himself that he would never forget her. Helga. He wouldn't let the world forget her either, even if everyone wanted to. She had loved him, had cared about him.

He would return the favor.

_Always, forever and ever._

X

**How about them apples?**

**I think the story is much better, cleaner even.**

**I wanted to step outside my box of angst romance and actually write a character death so YAH ME for accomplishing it!**

**Review?**

**Anime. **


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